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    Welcome to gocount.com where you will find the fastest jokes on the net. That is, when news breaks, we will do our best to post a joke. While not every joke can be a winner, these will be original jokes that you will not find anywhere else on the net.


    Question of the Day:
    For a million dollars would you have your life end six months earlier than it normally would?
    Yes
    No
       
    Previous Questions:
    For a million dollars would you give up listening to all music for the rest of your life?
    Yes
    No
       
    For a million dollars would you lose your left arm?
    Yes
    No
       
    In the News...
    Kobe Jokes Continued:
         Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?
    A: To figure out what part of "no" he doesn't understand.

    Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?
    A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team.

    Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?
    A: To practice jumping bail.

    Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?
    A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint.

    Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?
    A: To keep the mace out of his eyes.

    Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?
    A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed.

    Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?
    A: The one with dirt on his knees.

    Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?
    A: Cuz no one likes a rapist.

    Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?
    A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house.

    Q: Why did Kobe add the letter "O" to his bracelet?
    A: So it would stand for: "What Would O.J. Do?".

    Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?
    A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches.

    Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?
    A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying.

    Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?
    A: "Who cares, I'm a coke man myself."

    Lights Out, Uh Huh:
         Q: What did Bush say when he heard of the massive blackout?
    A: "It's nice to see our civil rights program working."

    Q: What did the blind guy on the subway say?
    A: "Hey who turned off the lights? Oh, no, I mean do you want to buy a pencil?"

    Q: What did President Bush first say when he heard about the blackout?
    A: "Send in that Engergizer Bunny!"

    Economic Woes:
         Q: What's the major thing that separates Bush sr. from Bush jr.?
    A: 8 years of economic prosperity.

    Q: What did Bush suggest struggling families do to increase their income?
    A: Sell their vacation homes.

    Q: How did Bush respond to criticism that his tax cuts weren't helping the economy?
    A: That's just fuzzy math, in fact, my family alone has already saved millions.

    Q: What did Bush say when asked about the rising deficit?
    A: Don't worry, I'm firmly committed to keeping it under a gazillion.

    This JOKE Site is in No Way Connected With Fox News:
         Q: Why is Fox News suing Al Franken over his use of "Fair and Balanced"?
    A: Even they want to stop perpetuating the lie.

    Q: What did Bill O'Reilly say about Al Franken's use of "Fair and Balanced"?
    A: "Shut up! Just shut up! You're wrong! This is about free speech, so just shut up!"

    Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started watching so much Fox News?
    A: Because manipulating the truth takes practice.

    The Splendid Splintered:
         Q: Why are Red Sox fans so excited about Ted Williams being decapitated?
    A: Because they are finally "a head" by one over the Yankees.

    Q: Why did the family of Ted Williams have him decapitated?
    A: They were hoping for a cameo on Futurama.

    Q: What do President Bush and Ted Williams have in common?
    A: Neither has a good head on their shoulders.

    More Recall Jokes:
         Q: Why are the Iraqi people so confused by american democracy?
    A: Because they thought the idea was to get rid of The Terminator.

    Q: In the California election, why is it so odd that Larry Flynt is running?
    A: Because he can't even walk.

    Q: Why isn't Ronald Reagan running for governor of California?
    A: Cuz Recall isn't his thing anymore.

    Q: What did Schwarzenegger say when asked if he has ever used steroids?
    A: "I once put one in my mouth, but, I never swallowed."

    Q: What do Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common?
    A: They both like "hummers".

    California Recall:
         Q: Why would Kobe Bryant make a good governor?
    A: He's getting his scandal out of the way early.

    Q: What do Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt have in common?
    A: They've both made a living off promoting different strokes.

    Q: Why would Gary Coleman make a bad governor?
    A: A governor should be able to stand tall and comprehend whatchya talkin' about.

    Q: Who has the most to lose by a Gary Coleman & Larry Flint debate?
    A: The podium builders

    Q: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger think the election will be easy?
    A: Experience. He's already succeeded in one Total Recall

    Q: What did Jesse Ventura say to Arnold Schwarzenegger?
    A: See, I told you, politics and steroids mix.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that:
         Q: What did the pawns and knights say to the king?
    A: We don't mind a gay bishop, so long as he sticks to the game plan.

    Q: Upon hearing of the gay bishop, what did the pawns and knights say to the king?
    A: There's only room for one queen on this board.

    Do Over:
         Q: What did George W. Bush first say when he heard that California was
    having a recall election?
    A: "Hello, directory assistance, in Florida, last name Harris, first name Katherine."

    Q: Who has the most to lose by an Arnold Schwarzenegger & Larry Flynt gubernatorial debate?
    A: The "closed captioning" typist.

    Kobe's Choice:
         Q: What's the next event Kobe Bryant will be attending?
    A: The Teen not by Choice Awards.

    Q: Why did Kobe attend the Teen Choice Awards?
    A: He was fascinated by the "choice" aspect of it.

    SoS:
         Q: Why is Colin Powell going to resign as Secretary of State?
    A: He's sick of Bush always asking him for a shoe shine.

    Iron Mike:
         Q: Why is Mike Tyson so worried about filing for bankruptcy?
    A: Without pictures, he doesn't know if he can make it to Chapter 11.

    Q: What did Mike Tyson tell his creditors?
    A: I know it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to get out of this, but, can't we just start with an ear?

    Joke #6,243,856:
         In order to prove a point, the US government decided to pick the spot where the brothers Uday and Qusay were to be buried. As the guests arrived for the funeral they were appalled by the squalor of the burial ground. It was covered with raw sewage, rats were everywhere, and the horrific smell was causing people to spontaneously vomit. Then, just before the bodies were lowered into the ground, a US General hurriedly ran up to the soldier in charge and yelled, "What's going on, you can't bury the bodies here." Surprised, the soldier asked "Why not?" The General replied, "Are you blind? Don't you see the sign? It clearly says 'Lawyers Only'".

    X Gov:
         Q: Why would Larry Flynt make a good politician?
    A: He's already made a career out of screwing people.

    Q: Why should you vote for Larry Flynt?
    A: He can't walk all over you.

    Q: Why shouldn't you vote for Larry Flynt?
    A: He's unable to stand up for himself.

    Q: What will be Larry Flynt's campaign theme song?
    A: Californication

    Geeeleee:
         Q: Why is the movie Gigli banned in Baghdad?
    A: They can't take any more bombs.

    Q: Why is the movie Gigli banned in Baghdad?
    A: They just got rid of a big ass, why would they want to bring in another?

    Q: Why do Iraquis think that J-Lo is their new leader?
    A: Cuz they heard that Ben gave her "a rock"?

    Hack Attack:
    Possible Bill Gates responses to the risk of Windows OS users getting hacked:
  • If we could get rid of that annoying cartoony paper clip dude that kept popping up on older versions of MSWord, then we can handle this.
  • There is no need to worry or panic. Regardless of what happens, I will still be worth billions.
  • I don't know anything about it. I use Linux.

    • Gay Marriage:
    Q: Why doesn't the President have a cat?
    A: Because he believes it's wrong for bush and pussy to mix.

    Q: Do you know why so many priests are against gay marriage?
    A: They figure why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

    Q: Why are all marriages now illegal in the US?
    A: Bush believes homosapien unions are a sin.

    Hoax the Hoax:
    Possible Excuses RE: The Missing Girl Phone Call Hoax
  • I thought it would be kind of funny, you know, like Crank Yankers.
  • If he'd let me finish my thought, I was actually calling to offer him
    a lower long distance plan.
  • I thought that by doing this I could create enough media attention that someone who actually knows something about the case might now come forward. Right? Tell me I'm wrong. That's a good one. Write that down for my lawyer.

    • Bob Hope:
    Q: Why did Bob Hope die smiling?
    A: Because he knew he was going to win his death pool.

    Q: What do Bob Hope and a frozen pizza have in common?
    A: Both were cheesy, crusty, and now cold to the touch.

    *NOTE: If you want to make a Weekend at Bernies 3 joke feel free.
    I just thought it was too easy.

    Kobe Bryant:
    Q: Why will Kobe Bryant be so POPULAR in prison?
    A: He's great at penetrating to the hole.

    Q: Why will Kobe Bryant be so UNPOPULAR in prison?
    A: He's an all-star. He doesn't suck.

    The Sons:
    Q: What did Uday and Qusay say right before they were killed?
    A: Oh geez, please let there be no afterlife, please no afterlife.

    Q: What did the devil say upon the arrival of Uday and Qusay?
    A: Uh oh, I may be in trouble at the next election..

    WMD:
    Breaking News: The US is going to release a report today with irrefutable proof that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. We are just waiting for the report to be shipped from Africa and once it gets to Iraq it can be disseminated to the press in as little as 45 minutes.

    In Hiding:
    Q: Why does Saddam Hussein read the National Enquirer?
    A: To see how Elvis does it.

    TV Eye:
    Q: What is Sammy Davis Jr.s favorite show in heaven?
    A: "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

    Slammin' Sammy:
    Q: Why did Sammy Sosa put cork in his bat?
    A: Because it wouldn't fit in his steroids.

    Where's Kenny?:
    Q: What did Ken Lay say to Martha Stewart?
    A: Generally unmarked bills work best, but, sometimes they'll take a check.

    Space Filler:
    Undated Nonsense:
    Q: Why did the Village People sing about the Navy and not the Army?
    A: Because they prefer seamen.

    Q: Why does George W. Bush have a dog?
    A: :To remind him of his mother.

    Q: Why did George W. Bush used to drink so much?
    A: He was hoping that Bud would make him Wiser.

    Q: Why did the boy rifle avoid talking to the girl rifle?
    A: He was gun shy.

    Q: Where did the Pentagon get their $500 screws from?
    A: Heidi Fleiss

    Q: Why does President Bush have so much trouble speaking properly?
    A: Poor puppeteering.

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